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There’s a sign floating above my head.  Really, there must be one there.  I can’t see it but it must be bright block letters, reflective even.  It clearly reads, “Beat Me!”  It’s been a common theme for a week now.  It’s time to change the sign.  Today I felt happy.  I’m completely exhausted which I’ll grant you tends to leave me emotionally vulnerable.  However, I was laughing and smiling and it felt good.  I was looking up out of this cave I find myself in and saw a ray of light shining into the opening.  It hadn’t reached me but I was moving towards it.  Just as I cautiously step far enough to feel the warmth of it on my face someone takes a shovel and knocks me back.

This time they’re not just messing with my emotions, they’re messing with my livelihood.  This time rather than just hurt, I’m angry.  Anger such that I’d love to take the shotgun and a box of shells and just go blow stuff up.  Feel the rage leave me as I blast bottles off a fence post.  That’s as good a place as any for it.  I’ve already taken proactive steps to protect myself, but damn it I would really like one entire day where I don’t feel like I’m being attacked.

Lately my days have left me feeling less valued, needed, whatever.  I admit that I’m to blame for the cave I’ve created for myself.  Becoming self aware of the problem was a really big step but I’m still in the dark.  I really hope that someday soon people will seek me out and want me to come “outside” with them.  Not out of pity, not because I’ve written something emotional.  I want it to happen because something about me piqued their interest enough to want to know more.  Is it asking too much for some sort of recognition or acknowledgment of the effort you take regardless of how big the step?

I’ve been holed up in this cave by myself long enough.  I realize the journey out is mine to take.  However, it’d be great if along the way parts of it I found myself joined by old friends.  Perhaps other parts joined by new friends.  Maybe a hand to help guide me or a shoulder to help steady me.  Most importantly, help finding joy in the littlest of things along the way.

Today the weather forecast was right.  It’s cold, gray, and rainy.  Webster’s would probably use it as an example for the words bleak and/or dreary.  It’s killed my plans to distract myself and move on.  I was going to mow away my anger, pain, and frustration.  Can’t mow when it’s this wet.  So instead I looked for something else but nothing inspired any motivation.  I spent the morning in bed except only to tend to the hounds and start a fire to take the chill from the house.

As the KU Football game rolled on, morning gave way to afternoon.  I decided to let my fingers do the walking.  Catching up with some friends would surely lighten my spirits.  Scroll down the list, click send.  Voice mail.  Scroll down the list, click send.  Answering machine.  Scroll down the list, click send.  After the twelfth time I just laid the phone down and wiped away the tears.  I wasn’t hungry but forced myself to eat some lunch.  That would distract me till someone called back.

I have waited.  Another log has been added to the fire.  I’ve cleaned up the kitchen.  The phone lays silent.  Do you ever have times when you think a song, it’s lyrics are speaking to you?  A moment when the lyrics seem to have been plucked from your own thoughts, your emotions, your life?  This song plays in my mind and resonates in my heart.

Save Me by Jordin Sparks

I’m all alone tonight,
No stars are shining on me
I’m thinkin’ I’d be alright
If somebody would just call me, yeah

I know that I’m not crazy,
Everybody must get this way, sometimes
So look around,
For the people in your life that say

Save Me
I need somebody’s help here
Thought it would be alright but
I’m not pullin’ through on my own
Is anyone around who can Save Me
I’m fallin’ down it’s crazy
If this is the pain God gave me,
I’m cool with that,
But wont somebody Save Me

I guess you missed the signs,
But honey I can never blame you
I don’t want ya feelin’ guilty,
that’d keep you in pain too (oooooh)

Now I can’t hear you when I’m far away, away
So maybe you could learn from this,
And help somebody else someday

Cause I’m human after all
And I could not catch my fall
And nobody ever came around my way
to check up on me and see if I was doin’ alright
Nobody came to Save Me

Save Me
I need somebody’s help here
Thought it would be alright but
I’m not pullin’ through on my own
Is anyone around who can Save Me
I’m fallin’ down it’s crazy
If this is the pain God gave me,
I’m cool with that,
But wont somebody Save Me

Save Me from my demons
Save Me from myself
Save Me, somebody Save Me
I need someones help

(ooooooooooooh)

Save Me
I need somebody’s help here
Thought it would be alright but
I’m not pullin’ through on my own
Is anyone around who can Save Me
I’m fallin’ down it’s crazy
If this is the pain God gave me,
I’m cool with that,
But wont somebody Save Me (wont somebody save me)

Save Me
I need somebody’s help here
Thought it would be alright but
I’m not pullin’ through on my own
Is anyone around who can Save Me
I’m fallin’ down it’s crazy
If this is the pain God gave me,
I’m cool with that,
But wont somebody Save Me

(ooooooh)

How often is it really that people freely admit they’re having problems in their own lives in a public forum such as this?  Beyond a private or “friends-only” post?  I’d venture it’s seldom or otherwise vague in detail.  I am having problems and I think discussing them publicly may be one of the best forms of solving it.  I don’t know.  I may find out that I was completely wrong.  I hope I’m right.

I’ve realized and come to terms with the fact that I have a confidence problem.  I am not happy with this lack of confidence.  Confidence that I once had which has somehow been lost.  I’m uncertain how I got to this point.  I am certain I want it restored.  I want to not only begin writing something but have the confidence to finish it.  I no longer want to be afraid to talk to not only new people but people whom I’ve spoken with for years.  I don’t want to constantly second guess myself and my decisions that affect my interaction with people.  By not talking with people I’m not protecting myself but only distancing myself from a fuller life.

This lack of confidence likely comes as a shock to those who know me well.  I guess I’ve been good at hiding my own shortcomings.  On the other hand, those whom I’ve not spoken with now have insight as to why.  It’s human to have fears but I’ve allowed some of mine to affect me negatively.  I’ve become detached from parts of my life that once brought great joys.  Some have been replaced with new things but in others there is just emptiness.  I believe that emptiness only gave a place for the fear to take root.  It’s time to clean it up and let those joys grow again in my life.

I’m not sure whether there is much value in identifying cause and effect.  Perhaps that is part of the healing process and moving forward.  At this point I’m focused on moving forward which at times means forcefully.  I’m not taking this on alone but I realize that I am the only one who can ultimately make the necessary change.  It may be easy or it may be difficult.  I don’t know which it will be.  It will not happen overnight and while would wouldn’t like an instant solution.  The time will be good and allow healing and growth.  Slow growth.  That which will provide the strength to withstand the next time my confidence is challenged.

Sunset arrives earlier and sunrise comes later.  It’s all part of the normal progression where leaves change, birds fly south, and plants begin pushing out there last blooms of the season.  Hot Chocolate, apple cider, fresh chili, and a crackling fire are all things that once again will bring warmth and joy as we count the days to Winter.  As the landscape around us changes, so do we — or at least me.

What once was enjoyed as a cool breeze on a hot day now brings a chill and the urge to grab a hoodie.  You feel as if you’re tired much earlier almost like your energy is tied to the rising and setting of the sun.    This year more than the past I’ve noticed more changes as I adjust with the seasons.  Things get tight and sore as the day progresses.  There’s numbness and tingles coming and going as if someone is playing with a dimmer switch for my nerves.  Those and other little things that are more nuisance than anything come and go.  It is as if part of my body is clinging to Summer while the other is clutching for Winter.

This is an observation of sorts.  A point of reference to learn from and grow for the next time.  Perhaps there won’t be a next time.  Regardless, I’m pushing forward and trying to overpower the shadows with light.  Memories and experiences that make me laugh and smile.  Like the trees, I’m shedding the leaves of this year to make something stronger and more beautiful the next.

Children terrorized by mad cow in Ohio?  Apparently Halloween has come early.

“Udder Madness”

I’m sorry, what did you say?  I think I heard you say, “Aren’t you from Ohio?”  I’m sorry, still didn’t hear you.

The American worker, one of the “fundamentals” of our economy, is often referred to as innovative and hardworking.  That’s a wonderful thing to say, but how is it rewarded?  I’ve seen time and again that so much of our society lives to work rather than working to live.  Think about the last time you were with a mixed group of people where you didn’t know everyone.  What’s probably the first or second question that’s always asked?  “What do you do?”  Sadly, it’s not “what do you do for fun?” or “what do you do that makes you smile?”  Instead we’re preoccupied with what is people do to pay the bills.  As if anyone really enjoys thinking of those.  I digress.

My favorite reward for great performance has to be when you’re told you did such a good job that we’re going to heap more responsibilities upon you.  Or, you did such a great job with a difficult project that you’re now rewarded with being assigned the latest cluster %$&#.  That makes a person feel really valued, right?  No, I do NOT believe that.  I was being completely sarcastic.  I would agree that being assigned the difficult projects is basically demonstrating their confidence in your work.  However, at what point is it determined that other rewards are necessary?  Everyone always thinks of monetary rewards — who wouldn’t like to find bigger numbers on their pay check?  But what about rewarding great work with additional vacation time?

When you’ve spent weeks, months, or even years going from one stressful assignment to another is money really what you need?  I would say that perhaps some, but more importantly would be time off.  That allows a person to relax, step back, and focus their energy on things that make a difference in their lives.  It could be spending time with family or friends, visiting somewhere new, or whatever.  I have a few clients that after every four years you work for them you must take a mandatory 3 month sabbatical.  Seriously, you are required to be away from work for 3 straight months; no email, no voicemail, etc.  You’re even stripped of your Blackberry.  (I can see you Crackberry addicts clutching your chests!)  I think that’s probably one of the greatest ideas I’ve ever heard and wished would be implemented at my own company.  Heck, every company!

I’m not sure where I’m headed with this.  Perhaps some of the problems that face society today might be resolved if we just took a vacation.  Clocked out, turned off our phones, computers and asked, “Who am I?”  Not, “What do I do?”

As an aside…

Do you ever think your writing is more passionate and meaningful when you’re riding high on an emotion?  That could be anger, joy, fear, whatever.  I sometimes think that but then you might come back to it a few hours, days, or weeks later and think it’s total bollocks.  I’m riding the waves right now.  I wonder if my rambling will be believed to be insightful?  Yeah, it’s probably bollocks.  I don’t know if it relieves any of my anger and frustration, but it kinda feels good.

Just a quick update.  I like lists.  The positive and the negative.

1. I have a computer that works.  At times it’s slow, the battery doesn’t last long, the lcd nearly falls off.
2. The weather station is still working wonderfully.  I’m unable to get the box working so it’ll ftp updates to the web.
3. My website/blog works well.  I can’t get the formatting and display a way that satisfies me.
4. I have a digital camera that still takes okay pictures.  It doesn’t always focus so I’m forced to take several shots in the hopes that one is clear.
5. I have the means to buy a new digital camera.  I’m hesitant, indecisive, and otherwise unable to make a decision on which camera I shall purchase.